I was just reading the Volunteer Handbook and they spoke of all these horrible difficulties in adjusting to life as a trainee, then a volunteer, then readjustment. And I had a spastic freak out moment where I was like...oh god, I'm going to fail horrendously. My Spanish sucks and I'm not ready for this. When people ask me if I'm nervous or scared...my initial reaction is that I'm more excited than anything else...but then the fact that I'm actually moving for 2+ years hits me and then I realize that I'm scared (really scared!)...scared that I'm going to be the biggest wimp ever and not be able to deal with it and have to ET and go home early...scared that I'm not going to do any good in my job down there...scared that I have expectations that I don't realize at this point, but when I get down there I realize that my expectations are way too high for everything and everyone (including myself) and that when I don't succeed I'm going to curl up in a little ball and wish I were at home. But then...I have to tell myself...that worse than those feelings...is the feeling of not knowing what it's like to take a risk in doing something that you truly think matters and not opening yourself up to the failure (or success) that may happen as a result. Although I would love to think of myself as a spontaneous and adventurous person, when it comes down to it I don't think that's my natural disposition, it's something that I force myself to do because I think I will learn something and be a better person for doing things that I'm scared to do. That, and the fact that I don't want to look back at my life 10 years from now and wish I had done things differently. And at this point...who knows, maybe I will look back and wish I had just stuck with what I'm doing now...but I will go out on a limb and say I think there's only about a 25% chance that that's the case so I have to play the game of probability and go for the unknown. I would be horrible at Let's Make a Deal...even when I have something I'm content with I'd have to go for what was behind door #2 and I'd end up with the sheep or goat or whatever other useless livestock was behind there instead of the somewhat valuable prize. Not to say that livestock isn't useful...it's just not my thing :)
And so with that said...I would hope this quote from good old Dumbleydore speaks true (speaking of, I need to catch up! I'm bogged down in the first half of book 5 and need to get a move on it along with seeing movies 4 & 5) -- no, i'm not talking about his "alas! ear wax!" quotation in reference to a Bertie Botts Bean...instead "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Here's to making choices that make the world a better place...although if I weren't such a muggle I'm sure I'd be able to accomplish so much more in the PC...flying around on my Nimbus 2000...
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3 comments:
You're going to be great at this. I don't know anyone else with as much "pluck" and courage at the wild and unknown. Maybe it's because you're a wiley beast... so, cheers to great adventures!
A minor freak out is allowed my dear joy lee. you are going to have an amazing life changing time, and when you are feeling overwhelmed, (which lets face it, i am sure at some point you will...its bolivia!) look down at your feet and check out those pink chacos and think of all of the places those feet have taken you, and its been scary before, but you always shine!
So this is the first time I'm visiting your blog...I didn't realise there would be so much writing on it:P I especially like the paragraph about Dumbleydore. Kudos on a GREAT reference:) Just remember to wear sunscreen, and remember your little old bff Pri who will miss you dearly...then everything will be ok!!
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